Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
How would you describe a healthy relationship?
Some teens have shared these ideas.
A healthy relationship is based on:
An unhealthy relationship may include:
- Bullying
- Jealousy
- Possessiveness
- Manipulation
- Verbal abuse
- Blaming someone else for actions
- Pressured intimacy/ unwanted touching
- Intimidation
- Fear
Power and Control - It's a one way streetHealthy relationships are a two-way street--each person has to give and take. Healthy relationships are based on respect and equality. Power and control by one person over another is what unhealthy relationships are all about. Unhealthy relationships are a one-way street. Whether you are now dating or plan to date sometime in the future, knowing what is and what is not a healthy relationship is important to you.
Learn the warning signs
Did you know this about Massachusetts' public high school students (grades 9 - 12)?
- One in nine students (11%) had at some time been hurt, physically or sexually, by someone they were dating¹.
- Female students were more than twice as likely as males to report having experienced teen dating violence (16% vs. 6%).¹
- One in ten students (10%) had experienced sexual contact against his/her will.¹
Are you dating (or would you date) someone who:
- Tells you what to wear, who to hang out with and when you can see your friends?
- Wants to get too serious about the relationship before you are ready?
- Is jealous and possessive, wants to pick your friends, checks up on you all the time (by obsessive phone calling or paging), won't accept breaking up?
- Puts you down in front of friends, tells you that you would be nothing without him or her, calls you names?
- Uses guilt trip-- "If you really loved me, you would..." or says "I'll kill myself if you leave me"?
- Scares you? Makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do? Threatens you? Uses or owns weapons? Drives recklessly when you are in the car?
- Makes, but does not keep, promises to change-- "I promise I'll never do that again"
- Pressures you for intimacy, touches you when and where you do not want to be touched or is forceful or scary about sex?
- Abuses alcohol or other drugs and pressures you to take them?
- Makes your family and friends uneasy and concerned for your safety?
- Is violent? Has a history of fighting, loses his/her temper quickly or brags about mistreating others? Grabs, pushes, shoves or hits you?
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU COULD BE THE VICTIM OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE OR INVOLVED IN AN ABUSIVE DATING RELATIONSHIP.
Dating violence can take many forms
Physical: shoving, hitting, punching
Verbal: yelling, screaming, put-downs
Emotional: spreading rumors, lying, possessiveness
Sexual: unwanted touching
Psychological: manipulation, mind games, guilt tripping.
Ending a violent or abusive dating relationship can be difficult and dangerous.
DATING VIOLENCE CAN EVEN LEAD TO RAPE OR MURDER!
Additional information regarding dating violence, legal protections and how to get help is available in District Attorney Keating's Teen Dating and Violence brochure.
To request a copy of this brochure, go to Publications.
If you are in an abusive or violent dating relationship and you want out:
Tell a friend, parent, teacher, counselor or someone else you trust and who can help.
Make a free and confidential call to a domestic violence Hotline (24 hours) or a Domestic Violence Advocate in the Norfolk District Attorney's Office (daytime only) to get support and information about what you can do. You can call without giving your name.
| Where to Get Help |
| Norfolk District Domestic Violence Advocates Attorney's Office (daytime only) |
781-830-4800 |
| Teen Dating Violence DOVE Youth Hotline |
617-773-4878 |
| Dating Violence Intervention Project Respect (after 3:00) |
617-354-2676 |
| Same Sex Dating Violence Fenway Community Health Violence Recovery Program |
1-800-834-3242 |
| Sexual Assault/Rape Crisis Centers |
| Boston Rape Crisis Center |
617-492-7273 |
| New Hope |
1-800-323-4673 |
| Non-English/ESL Services |
| Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence |
617-338-2355 |
| Womansplace Crisis Center Hotline |
508-588-2041 |
| Casa Myrna Vasquez-Safelink |
1-800-992-2600 |
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How to help a friend
Most teens talk to other teens about their problems. If a friend tells you he or she is in a violent or abusive dating relationship (whether as the victim or the offender), here are some suggestions on how you can help:
- Don't ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend.
- Express your concern and support. Tell your friend you're worried. Support, don't judge.
- Inform your friend about available help and share the resources provided here.
- Encourage your friend to confide in a trusted adult.
- Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim's partner. Don't be a mediator or otherwise become directly involved.
If you see or hear an assault in progress, call the police. Do not intervene and jeopardize your own safety.
Information and Resources
Check this out. For some really good, accurate and interesting information on healthy relationships, check out these Websites:
Love Doesn't Have to Hurt Teens
http://www.apa.org/pi/pii/teen
When Love Hurts: A Guide for Girls on Love, Respect and Abuse in Relationships
http://home.vicnet.net.au/~girlsown/
Footnotes
1. 2001 Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey Results. Massachusetts Department of Education (September 2000). A 2001 Massachusetts Department of Education survey (MYRBS) of over 4,200 public high school students in grades 9 - 12.
Source: Adapted from Teen Files: Issues That Matter A Hot Topics Newspaper Supplement. William R. Keating, Norfolk District Attorney (2000).
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