Breakup toolkit
The RESPECTfully Breakup Toolkit provides a breakdown of breakups and includes support and resources.
In the toolkit, you'll find tips for the different stages of ending a relationship:
- Pre-breakup: things to consider before you break up with a friend or romantic partner
- During the breakup: ways to prepare what you might say or do during a breakup
- Post-breakup: caring for yourself after a breakup
Why do breakups happen?
Breakups happen for many reasons. People change, want different things, or simply don’t feel happy in the relationship anymore. Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, every breakup is unique.
Types of breakups
- Friendship breakups: friends may drift apart over time, experience a change in shared interests or social circles, or realize they want different things
- Romantic breakups: relationships can end due to a change in feelings, practical reasons like switching schools, or one person doesn’t feel like the relationship is good for them
Pre-breakup: things to consider
Prepare yourself
Before ending a friendship or romantic relationship, ask yourself:
- What are the “must-haves” in your relationship?
- Are you communicating clearly and with respect?
- Is the relationship worth working out?
- Who can I reach out to for support?
Be considerate
Express your feelings while treating people the way you would want to be treated. You don’t need to convince the other person that your decision is the right one. Keep the conversation respectful and to the point. Avoid blame and arguing.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are limits you set for yourself related to things that make you uncomfortable or unsafe emotionally, physically, or digitally.
The best way to set clear boundaries is with honesty and open communication. Try these ways to express your needs:
- “I need some time apart so I can heal.”
- “I hope we can be friends in the future, but right now I need distance.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable talking every day like we used to.”
During a breakup: break up with respect
Stay safe
Here are some things you can do during a breakup, so everyone feels safe:
- Talk in a public space. If the conversation starts in private, move to a public space.
- Speak from your own perspective and share your decision to end the relationship
- Avoid blame or arguing, which could make the other person feel defensive or escalate things
- Do not go to a second location with the other person after the breakup. If you need one, make plans to get a ride from another friend or adult.
- Try not to be alone immediately after the breakup
If you’re in a relationship that feels unsafe or unhealthy, listen to your inner voice. Trust your gut, plan ahead, and ask for help.
If you ever feel like you’re in physical danger, please find an adult and/or call 911 if you are safe to do so.
Reach out to a trusted adult to let them know how you are feeling. To talk to an advocate, call the 24/7 National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at (866) 331-9474, text: LOVEIS to 22522, or chat online.
Communicate clearly
When it comes to breakups, how you communicate is so important. Here are some useful breakup communication tips:
- Stay in control of your emotions by planning what you want to say ahead of time.
- Practice control of your breathing so you can stay relaxed and calm.
- Relax your shoulders, jaw, and hands to keep your body calm and at ease.
- Try not to criticize the other person or make them feel bad about themselves.
- Communicate in ways that are brief, direct, positive, and to the point.
- Use “I” statements that focus on your own feelings and avoid blaming the other person.
Decide on your boundaries
During a breakup, each person gets to decide what their healthy boundaries are. Two people can have very different boundaries for themselves and still show respect for each other.
Post-breakup: moving forward
Breakups can be painful whether you initiated it or if you were the one being broken up with. However, breakups can also be a time of reflection and personal growth.
Think about your boundaries
After a breakup, each person gets to decide their boundaries and how they want to move forward. Here are a few things to consider:
- What new boundaries do you need to move forward?
- How will you establish new boundaries after a breakup?
- How do you feel about online connections (texting, social media, chat groups, direct messages, etc.)?
- What support do you need from friends and family to respect or keep these boundaries?
- What are your worries or concerns about the breakup?
- How can you set boundaries with others who may not support your decision to end the relationship?
Talk to your shared friends
Navigating shared friends or social groups after a friendship or romantic breakup can be hard. Give yourself, and your friends, time to get used to things after after a breakup.
Here are some tips:
- Communicate and set boundaries with friends: let them know you don’t want them caught in the middle
- Manage social media groups: if you are in shared chats, decide if you want to leave, stay, or create new groups
- Navigate group settings: give each other space and avoid making anyone feel uncomfortable
- Don’t give in to drama: Agree not to speak negatively about each other or gossip about the breakup
- Sharing mutual friends: stay in touch with your friends for support
- Accept change: Accept that some friend groups may split temporarily or permanently. If you’re patient, you may find that some friendships recover with time.
Find ways to navigate your emotions
Coping strategies are things people do to deal with stress or a challenging situation. Good coping strategies focus on positive behaviors that will benefit your long-term health and well-being. They may help you feel better before, during, or after a breakup.
Examples of coping strategies:
- Journaling
- Exercising
- Participating in creative or relaxing activities
- Talking to a friend or trusted adult can help reduce your stress
Take time to reflect
Now that you’ve gotten through what was probably a difficult breakup, there are so many good things to reflect on:
- What have you learned about yourself?
- What have you learned about healthy communication?
- What kind of personal boundaries will you set in the future?
- What have you learned about the kind of friend or partner you want, or want to be, in the future?
Resources and support
Find more tools and resources
Find local teen dating abuse help in Massachusetts, national hotlines and tools, and RESPECTfully MA social media.
Take the healthy relationships quiz
Wondering if your relationship is healthy? Take this quiz.
How to help a friend in an unhealthy relationship
If you suspect that someone you care about may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship of any kind, learn how you can support them.